Dhyan Summers: Top 3 Tips for being a Happy ESWK (Expat Spouse Without Kids)

Frequently I see clients in my practice who are ESWKs (pronounced ‘eswik’) or Expat Spouses Without Kids. Although they are in an enviable position by some standards, they often tell me that their spouse is working all the time, they are lonely, and are fighting, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, the tendency to hide out at home. One client mentioned that she sometimes felt like curling up and hiding in a box in her closet.

There are two sides to the coin of being an ESWK. On one side you have the freedom to do almost anything you want to do, and on the other side is an almost complete lack of structure which at times can seem overwhelming and even despairing. In addition, when you have young children it is much easier to bond with other parents, as you have a built in reason for doing so.

Exhilaration vs. Despair:

So the question becomes, how do we turn the despair into excitement and exhilaration that freedom can bring? I have spoken before of the importance of finding something we feel passionate about, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I repeat myself here.

Tip # 1: Find Something You Feel Passionate About Doing:

Usually when we feel overwhelmed, or depressed or isolated, we have a tendency to, as my client mentioned, want to hide. I use the metaphor of climbing into bed and turning the electric blanket up to 10, which in Delhi where I live, would not be a practical thing to do! We want to hide because we are not feeling good about ourselves and might be feeling that we have nothing to offer anyone else. The one sure cure for this is to find something you feel passionate about doing.

You might notice that I say...


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The Expat Experience; When Friends Leave…

by Dhyan Summers


Almost all expats have had the experience of good friends leaving, unless of course, we leave first. Many times I see clients in my practice who have had one or several good friends leave and they express sentiments such as “what’s the point to even making friends?” They may feel like they don’t want to open up and make new friends if they’re just going to leave. This brings up many interesting issues and is near and dear to my heart, as it is something that I’ve also had to deal with during my years as an expat.
As I am now an expat ‘old-timer’ in New Delhi, (I’ve been here 3 ½ years) I have had to deal with the loss of several good friends in the last year. One friend in particular had become a kind of soul sister to me very quickly. I knew she was leaving shortly when we first became friends, but decided to allow our friendship to deepen because it was giving me so much, and to break off our friendship made no sense. So I went into it with my eyes wide open which didn’t help a bit when she left. I felt her loss profoundly and was deeply saddened by her departure.

Yet I knew then (and still know now) that I wouldn’t have traded the experience of our friendship in order not to feel the pain and loss. For one thing, I was a better person for the experience of knowing this friend. But more importantly, it would have gone against one of my basic beliefs which is to experience life as fully as possible.

If I were to turn away from every experience that involved an element of risk or loss, my life would be very shallow indeed. Athletes and adventure sports enthusiasts know that there is always a risk involved in what they do, but the joy of the experience weighs in heavier than the thought of losing, or the element of danger involved...

Read more www.expatfocus.com/expat-experience-when-friends-leave